Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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