im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
