If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
