I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I think I died a long time ago.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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