So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
