I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
