as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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