just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
