She tied me up with her honor cords...
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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