shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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