I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
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I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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