i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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