worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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