1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
