the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
