Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
So here I am, sexting at work.
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