I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
