I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
