guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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