Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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