My nipple is on Facebook.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Sober January is a disaster.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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