If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
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I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
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I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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