Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Michael Bay diarrhea
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
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Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize