the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
