I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
