I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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