the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
