and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
