I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
