I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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