Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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