Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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