I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Quick, to the slutcave!
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
