I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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