I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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