I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
