i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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