when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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