One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Randomize
