I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
