Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
