I just pynch a tree in the face
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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