you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
