Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
