Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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