It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
