no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
