Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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