If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
