The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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