He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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