Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
