i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
