Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
